


Stained in his Consciousness

by FrankieWritesStuff



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Chess Metaphors, M/M, bones is a shit, chapel is a shit, spock also refuses to admit to his feelings, spock is done, uhura is a hit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieWritesStuff/pseuds/FrankieWritesStuff
Summary: Jim Kirk was anything but ordinary. Nothing about him screamed 'normal'. Everything from the circumstances of his birth to the circumstances of him becoming captain of the Enterprise deviated from expected conventions of the modern society. He was an enigma, a phenomenon, a puzzle that Spock has been trying to solve for the past 3 years.





	Stained in his Consciousness

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this idea for a fic for a really long time now, and now that i've officially posted my first fanfic yesterday, i decided i would go ahead and post this one as well. if you didn't know that i'm spock on all levels except physical, well then you're probably about to find out. enjoy!

Jim Kirk was anything but ordinary. Nothing about him screamed 'normal'. Everything from the circumstances of his birth to the circumstances of him becoming captain of the Enterprise deviated from expected conventions of the modern society. He was an enigma, a phenomenon, a puzzle that Spock has been trying to solve for the past 3 years. There was only so much that Spock could learn without asking his captain outright, but breaking down that barrier of professionalism that he had so carefully constructed proved more difficult than he thought. Perhaps it was because Spock, himself, was so scared of being known, that he found himself hesitant to ask his captain permission to know him. Perhaps Spock was just too Vulcan to act so human, in that regard. Perhaps he had spent too much time thinking himself in metaphorical circles during work hours, because he wasn't aware that his captain had been trying to get his attention for the past 5 minutes. 

"Spock! Spock! Spock! Spocko! Spockthalamew! Spocktapus! Spocket man! Spockticus! Spo-" 

"Commander!" Lieutenant Uhura interrupted Kirk's chanting, gaining Spock's attention. 

"apologies captain, lieutenant, I was merely focused on this data..." Spock tried to go for a casual tone, or at least casual for him. 

"no apologies necessary, Spock!" Kirk waved his hand in dismissal, "just wanted to know if you wanted to play a game of chess later." 

Uhura wasn’t even bothering to look like she was busy, and that was fair considering the crew had been exploring a relatively boring stretch of the galaxy for the past few days. No solar systems, no rogue ships, no signs of intelligent life, just scanning, star charting, and spectroscopy. Uhura's channels had been empty except for cosmic background static, the rest of the bridge crew running on autopilot, and Spock using his work hours for personal introspection. 

She wiggled her eyebrows at Spock, and he felt the tips of his ears blush green. Of course, she knew about his interest in the captain, she was the only person he told. With them having broken up and all, they seamlessly went back into friendship territory, and they became each other's confidante. Uhura would tell him about her new relationship with Christine Chapel, and in return Spock would tell Uhura about his ‘feelings’ he possessed in regards to one James T. “the T stands for Trouble” Kirk. 

"I would be... amenable to those plans, Captain." Spock still stood hunched over his research station as he responded to the captain, fearing that his cool and collected act would be unraveled. Sure, they played chess almost on a weekly basis for the past few years, but every time the Captain initiated a game, Spock still felt like it was the first time. First time for what? Emotions? Feelings? Something tender? Something more than was appropriate during his shift on the bridge? 

"awesome, it's a date then!" The captain returned his attention to the padd in his hands, and Spock felt his entire face flush. 

He spent the last half hour of his shift willing away the discoloration from his face, and tried his best to focus on the spectroscopic analysis he was conducting on a nearby star. No matter how much he tried, he just could not seem to make alpha hydrogen lines pique his interest. 

When the bridge crew's shift was over, Uhura met him in the lift. She leaned in conspiratorially to Spock. 

"He was totally checking your ass out" 

"Nyota!" Spock lost any form of composure he was able to recover, "please, desist with your unsolicited observations!" He was flustered. Jim chose this moment to enter the lift with them. 

"Observations about what?" 

"Oh! I was just commenting on how you-"   
"Lieutenant Uhura was not commenting on anything." He gave her a pointed stare. She rolled her eyes, "I wasn't commenting on anything, Captain" 

"guys c'mon how many times do I have to tell you, I'm Jim off duty" 

"fine, I wasn't commenting on anything, Jim" 

"now was that so hard?" He joked, and they both chuckled. 

He turned his attention on Spock, who gripped the lift handle tighter than necessary. He refused to look at Jim, instead keeping his gaze on the wall. He could consider the railing fascinating, he could write multiple papers on the decision of the paint decisions alone, the history of railing design- 

Jim pointedly cleared his throat, 

"Spock?" 

"yes, Jim?" 

"are we still on for chess tonight?" Spock mentally noted the extra emphasis on the word chess, hoping that Uhura had missed it. 

"well, I have no prior arrangements, and nothing of more importance has come to my attention, so yes, I believe we are still on for tonight." 

Spock chanced a look at Jim and immediately regretted it, because Jim was absolutely beaming at him, his eyes crinkled at the corners, it lit up the entire lift and Spock felt that feeling again, that feeling he did not understand, and quickly looked back at the wall, the wall was safe, the wall wouldn't make him feel like that. Not when there were other people near him. 

"just making sure, you're a popular guy Spock, don't wanna steal you away from anyone," Jim winked at him, but Spock would not know because he was focused on analyzing every facet of the very interesting wall. Fortunately, the lift came to a stop, and Uhura and Spock exited, "see you tonight, Spock!" Spock nodded in response, and the lift doors closed. 

Uhura immediately turned on him. 

"what was THAT about?!?!" Her excitement was bleeding off of her. 

"I do not know what you are referring to" he started at a brisk pace down the hall towards to mess hall. 

"Oh, come ON! That was wild!" She lightly smacked his shoulder, "you dog, you!" 

"please, Nyota" 

"that tension was thick enough to cut with a knife!" 

"if you would stop this conversation, I would be quite appreciative" 

"oh, you're no fun"   
"I take that as a compliment" 

They entered the mess hall and Uhura went to find a table while Spock got their dinner. He then located their table and made his way over. She was sitting next to Nurse Chapel, holding her hand, and the Nurse gave her a quick peck on the cheek. 

"evening, Spock" 

"hello Christine" 

"how was the captain today?" Uhura muffled her laugh behind her hand, and Spock glared at her. 

"no different than usual, I assume Nyota has informed you already" Uhura stuck her tongue out at him, and he pushed down the want to strangle her across the table, and sat down instead. He passed Uhura her tray. He shifted his own into the optimal position, more a stalling technique than anything. As he was about to lift his fork, another tray clattered onto the table, and Dr. McCoy dropped into the chair next to him. He rested his crossed forearms on the table, and he wore a shit-eating grin. 

"Oh, you dog!" 

"Good evening, Dr. McCoy, I assume your day was satisfactory?" 

"cut the crap Spock, why don’t you tell me how your shift was?" 

"he was distracted, Leonard!" Nyota piped up 

"was he now?" 

"he kept blushing!" 

"I can't believe I missed it" 

"fellow associates..." Spock wanted this conversation to end as soon as possible 

"well, I just talked to Jim down in med bay, you wanna know what he told me, Spock?" 

"I do! I do!" Christine raised her hand jokingly 

"he told me that he was calling your name for hours before he finally got your attention" 

"it was 5 minutes, Dr. And I was analyzing hydrogen lines, they were fas-" 

"fascinating my ass. But Jim also mentioned your ass, in quite some detail too" his shit-eating grin was back. 

Spock raised his eyes upward, hoping some deity or other would take pity on his poor soul and free him from this miserable life. 

"he was outright staring, Leonard!" Nyota informed him, much to Spock's chagrin. 

"If neither of you make a move before the end of the week, I'm going to make a ship-wide announcement, maybe that'll be incentive enough for you both to get your shit together" Nyota's threat, while empty, was still strong enough to make Spock hesitant. 

"will all of you please stop meddling in my private affairs? What the captain and I do in our free time is no one's business but ours" his padd chose that moment to chime, a message from Jim popped up on the screen. 

"speak of the devil" Bones sprawled back in his chair, an easy smile on his face. 

Christine snatched the padd away from Spock and read the message out loud. 

"hey Spock, does 2000 hours sound good? We'll meet in my quarters. See you tonight" She read it overdramatically, her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

"what no 'xoxo love Jim'?" Nyota joked 

Spock let his head fall to the table with a ‘thunk’ 

"oh, Spock, we're only teasing!" Nyota tried to comfort him. 

"I despise all of you" his voice muffled under the table. 

\------------- 

2000 hours could not come quick enough. Spock had tried meditating after dinner, but found that he could not relax his mind enough to get past the first level. He then tried to pass time by perusing the data he should've been analyzing during his shift, but he could not focus his attention long enough to get any real work done. He resorted to pacing his room, letting his thoughts wander to the captain, his captain, to Jim. His golden hair, his deep blue eyes, his hands, and Spock decided it would do well to check the time. It was 1950 hours and he decided that was a reasonable margin of time to make his way to Jim's quarters. He could've walked through the bathroom to the adjoining door, since their rooms were right next to each other, but he decided it would be more appropriate to use a real door. 

He was wearing his casual robes, black and long, and felt weirdly underdressed. Should he put on the robes with the silver trim? Should he change his shoes? Should he try combing his hair again? He was positive he had missed a strand when meticulously styling his hair earlier. But it was too late to go back to his room, because he had already knocked on Jim's door during his mild panic and Jim had just opened the door and let him into his quarters. 

The door swished shut, and Spock turned to face him. 

"good evening, Jim-" 

He couldn't finish the sentence because Jim had unexpectedly pressed him into the wall, grasping Spock's arm in one hand, the other one coming to rest at his neck. Jim leaned into his space, and rested his forehead against Spock's. 

"god, I've been wanting to do this all day, you have no idea" his voice was a soft tenor, melting the last of Spock's barriers. 

"I too, have felt an urge to touch you again, Jim." 

Jim smiled so gently at that, and finally closed the space between them. 

Spock moved his hands, reciprocating the kiss. He rested a hand on Jim's back, the other came to cradle his face, thumb brushing against his cheekbone. 

Jim broke the kiss and smiled, again, "hi" his cheeks were flushed, and Spock was sure he looked much the same. 

"hello" 

"happy 1-month anniversary, babe" 

Spock tried his best to hide his smile, Jim was radiating love and it was impossible to not react to it. He hid his face in Jim's shoulder, moving his arms to wrap around Jim's back. 

"Do our friends still think we haven't gotten together yet?" 

"yes, our fellow associates seem to think this. Nyota threatened to make an announcement if we refused to 'get our shit together'" 

Jim chuckled lightly, "of course she did". He initiated another gentle kiss, Spock melted in his arms. Jim pecked his cheek and smirked, "that must mean that we're pretty good actors, huh?" 

"indeed" 

Spock straightened, and Jim led him by the hand to the edge of the bed. They sat, holding hands, in comfortable silence for a bit. Jim was tracing the back of Spock's hand with his thumb, sending shivers through his spine. Spock's mind was racing, there was so much he wanted with Jim, but he didn't want to spring it too early in their relationship. It was still so tentative, so new, he didn't want to destroy their easy balance. He didn't want to scare Jim away. 

Jim was the first to break the silence. "hey, Spock?" 

Spock turned his head, acknowledging Jim. 

"I've been thinking about this since we started dating- and if i'm being honest, since before we started dating, and I know it's pretty early, and you can say no, but I was just wondering- I mean, only if you're okay with it but-" 

"Jim, you are rambling", Spock squeezed his hand, and Jim steadied himself.

"thanks captain obvious”, he took a deep breath, “okay so here goes. Spock, I want to mind meld with you." 

That was certainly not what Spock was expecting to hear. At all. 

His surprise must have showed, because Jim tried to backtrack. 

"I mean, it's okay if you don’t want to. I know it's early, and we can wait if you're not comfortable with-" 

Spock leaned in and silenced him with a gentle kiss. 

"Jim, I would love nothing more than to meld with you. But are you sure?" 

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life." Jim's eyes shone with a fierceness that was uniquely his own. Spock knew he was prepared for what was to come.

"if you are certain. Just know that this means that I would see everything about you, and you would see everything about me. I would be known to you and you would be known to me." 

"I know, and I'm ready. I don't want to hide anything from you, I don't want you to hide anything from me. We are in this for life, I'm ready." 

Spock nodded his head in understanding, and slowly moved his hands to rest at Jim's temples. 

\-----------------

Melding with Jim was beyond anything Spock could have predicted. His mind was beautiful, far more beautiful than anything Spock had ever seen. He had an answer to every question, the final piece to every puzzle, the understanding of every enigma. Everything about Jim was suddenly and beautifully known to Spock. He no longer knew what it was like to not know Jim wholly and completely. Everything from his brightest to his darkest moments organized themselves in Spock's mind, rendering him incapable of any intelligent thought except for "Jim, T'hy'la, Jim, Jim, T’hy’la". 

If this was a dream, then Spock never wanted to wake up. 

He slowly ended the meld, savoring the golds and yellows that painted the insides of Spock's mind, a residue of Jim, stained in his consciousness. 

His vision focused on Jim, who had tears dripping from his eyes. Spock's own eyes were watering, slightly, and he felt a tear slip down his cheek. 

"there's that emotional transference, the other You said it was natural" he gave Spock a watery smile, his voice taking on a humorous edge, breaking the heavy silence that filled the room, and suddenly Spock didn't feel like hiding his emotions from Jim any longer. He smiled openly for the first time in his life, and he heard Jim's breath catch.

"oh, Spock" the gentle embrace of Jim's voice and Jim's arms and Jim's presence wrapped around Spock in all its infinite glory and Spock reciprocated as best he could with shaking hands. 

"I love you, Spock, so so much, it's unreal" 

"I love you as well, my t'hy'la" 

Jim laughed wetly and pressed a kiss to Spock's forehead. 

"god, Spock, you mean the world to me, you mean the universe to me" 

"I reciprocate the sentiments, my love" 

\---------------- 

Spock doesn't recall falling asleep, but he finds himself blinking awake in the dark, wrapped in his t'hy'la's arms and resting his head on Jim's chest, to a padd beeping incessantly on the bedside table. He groans and slides his hand to silence it, but sees that it's a message on Jim's padd from Dr. McCoy. 

It read "how'd chess go? ;)" 

Spock rolled his eyes and switched the padd off. He set it on the bed next to him and let sleep pull him under again. Jim could deal with their friends in the morning.


End file.
